How I Lost My “Me”

I know I haven’t posted in a while; but there’s a good reason (I promise!). Here’s the deal; I’m currently working full-time supporting my family and helping my fiancée finish some schooling. Now, after working at minimum wage for a couple of months, I’ve come to the realization that I’ve lost my “me”.

How I Lost My _Me_

What’s your “me”, you ask?

Well, essentially it’s your dreams, aspirations, and all the things that make you uniquely you.
It’s that excitement you feel when you first wake up, ready to see what extraordinary adventures await you during the day. It’s the butterflies you feel when you’re with that special someone. It’s the undeniable urge to follow your dreams; to do what you love to do.

It’s the drive that motivates you to keep going; to chase the stars!

How do you lose your “me”?

Everyone seems to be chasing their dreams around me; or achieving them. My central group of friends are all taking steps to be where they want to be, or they’re already there. You can imagine where this has left me.

My motivation has been sucked from me by the stagnant and monotonous hustle-and-bustle of minimum wage food service. I’ve been trapped in the seemingly endless cycle of fake smiles, greasy food, and workplace stress. The weight of being stuck in such a place has been crushing my motivation until it’s consumed me completely.

My optimism has disintegrated. I’ve morphed into a robotic customer service slave. I’ve been broken by the world that I fought so hard to escape. I’m simply going through the motions, and lost interest in my “me”.

I used to write, paint, and read. Even though I never thought I was talented, I allowed myself to get lost in my work with a smile of my face. I haven’t picked up a paintbrush in months, and this is my first time writing in way too long.

Taking “me” back

Even though I’m broken, I know I need to continue the fight. I’m going to fight to get my fight back. I want to (Read: need to) pursue my old “me”. Replace this empty shell with dreams, happiness, and laughter. I miss really laughing and smiling, not just because I’m being paid to do so.

It’s become clear that the reason I’ve lost my fight is my job. It’s a risk to quit a job when you have a family to support; but when you’re not “there” to enjoy the family you’ve built, something has gone terribly wrong.

However, I’m faced with a major ethic obstacle. Is it selfish to sacrifice regular pay to better my mental health? Do I quit my job to revert back to the old me? Or, do I continue the monotony and take medications* simply to bring home a minimum wage paycheque?

*I’ve been prescribed anti-depressants because of this very issue.

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One thought on “How I Lost My “Me”

  1. I can totally relate to this! Although I am not working, for me the constant demands of university life have been really overwhelming these last few months and I know exactly what you mean when you say you’ve lost yourself. I hope things work out for you and you are able to regain that happiness! 🙂

    Like

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